Vices

Any activity or habit you do solely for your comfort or pleasure without a benefit to anyone else.

Vices can provide us with momentary happiness, but the moment we are not engaged with them, we are incapable of feeling happiness outside their presence. Drugs are a vice. Ice cream is a vice. Sex outside procreation is a vice. Collecting anything and not openly sharing it with the world is a vice. Stealing people’s attention through false pretenses is a vice. Stealing your own time by consuming others’ mindless and uneducated opinions is a vice. Not sorry for the old man, grouchy-pants tone, but it’s true, so sue me. Vices are the ultimate evil to good, because no one can benefit from your efforts except your ego, short-term comfort, pleasure, or happiness. But here’s the interesting thing: vices are essential to human life.

No one starts out wanting to live with or around discomfort or pain. It is natural and entirely expected for people to choose pleasure or comfort when given the option without an apparent downside. Inside civilization, when people do not see their vice as harmful to others, and once their responsibilities and obligations are taken care of, not many would sanction a selfish act. Not only are vices natural to humans, but enjoying the pleasures of life is also a requirement to counter the natural stresses that exist inside managing your life within civilization. The problem is we are aware enough to recognize how slippery the slope can be for some people who have issues controlling their urges given how good we’ve gotten at cultivating so many good and wonderful things. For some, we’ve outright banned them and for good reason. I’ve never done heroin for the specific reason that I have been told by many, many people that it is the greatest pleasure they have ever experienced. I can’t control myself around a half gallon of vanilla ice cream! You think I’m going to have any self-control around the “greatest pleasure ever?” No way. And neither would you. And neither have the literally millions of humans who could not pull themselves away from the thirst for that flavor of life. If you ever find yourself yearning for that flavor, please, please talk to someone, anyone. If they won’t listen. Call 911 and blame me.

Vices are lies your body is telling you of things it needs. We know they’re lies, but we like to keep it between us. That’s fine! Remember, everyone has these. But you need to recognize and accept they are wants of no consequence to your happiness. You know how your body will convince you each and every time that the thing, the person, the place, or the idea is the ONLY thing you need in that moment. If you’ve been around it, you’ll recognize addiction is giving into those lies the body tells the mind time and time again without the mind being able to stop and touch logic or find true reality. But it’s also a bit about you and telling little lies to yourself, mainly about not being able to find an alternative activity that can provide us with the same level of happiness, comfort, pleasure, or escape the thing, the place, or the person can provide. Thus, I’m not going to accuse you of not being strong enough or smart enough or aware enough. I’m going to blame you for not being honest and creative enough.

First, confront the brutal facts. If you’ve become a slave to something, just admit it already. Second, do the opposite of the thing. Once you accept that you’ve lost the power to control this thing in a way that can make you a better version of you and thus benefit us, we need to change course. As I mentioned up there, the answer to the extreme trait of addiction inside being good is to do the opposite of the thing you’re addicted to. That’s a very simplified and elementary way to view recovery, but it’s true. How one practices that is the hardest part. I’m not here to tell you how to overcome your vices if they become a problem that you can’t moderate on your own, nor will anyone be able to tell you how to do it. The process of controlling vices will always be for you to decide. But the framework you’ll have to operate inside is the same for everyone else who is able to live around this stuff and not be a slave to a thing, person, place, or idea. It’s called moderation. If you can moderate your activity, go nuts. If you can’t, can you still do it?

Look, if anyone hasn’t told you yet, most foods made with grain or sugar are awesome. Likewise, booze mixed with stuff that tastes good is usually pretty good and makes most of us feel great for a short while. And sex with adults that want you too, well, not much beats that when it comes to physical pleasures. Again, I could give you a guidance counselor answer about vices and how they are ruining your life, but they’re all words you’ve heard before. Here’s the thing no one wants to let you in on: your urges for these vices aren’t a choice, it’s absolutely involuntary. When you come away with a bunch of answers to a ton of questions you’re going to ask yourself this week, you’ll get closer to the answer of why that is. But you need to accept that they’re here in your life now or at least readily available and out there.

I’m going to share a personal story for a moment. Deep inside my litigator days, I had a case where a rich guy had died with a bunch of properties. One of his older brothers was living in one of them, which needed to be sold, and the brother wouldn't move. Blah, blah no big deal, whatever. But in representing someone inside this case, I learned the older brother was a “recreational” heroin user. I’ll say that again. A man claimed to be a recreational heroin user. I have quite an intimate history with heroin and I had never heard of such. Have you? To say I didn’t believe it was possible would have been the understatement of my moderately well-lived life. I wasn’t buying him and told everyone I didn't think it was possible. Guess what? It was true. He was the first and only person I had ever met who had managed to use heroin consistently, every day, for at least two years. The man was admittedly very intelligent and proved it by showing how his dosages were precisely measured to coincide with his withdrawal symptoms. And he had the records to prove it! The dose, the time, the method of administration. I saw at least two years of records and he swore there were many more. I was shocked. I had never seen anyone be able to control their lives inside the active use of heroin. Not one. Every single person I had ever been around who was dependent on the stuff would get high, go through a zombie-like state, and within different amounts of time they would begin the first stages of early withdrawal. But this had been for people who had become dependent on the drug. Had this guy really figured out a way to enjoy the best drug in the world in a way that was safe and viable? Nope. The first thing I noticed was his withdrawal times. Two years ago they were fourteen hours. The day I met him they were two hours. Can you guess what happened next? He was dead within months of the day I met him. No one can outthink drugs. No one. Ever. If you EVER find yourself experiencing a yearning for a substance, let alone withdrawal symptoms, please talk to someone.

Alright, so, heroin, bad. Are we in agreement? Good. But can we agree about how good [insert your favorite caffeinated/sugary/dessert/alcoholic] drink is after a tough day at work or on the first day of vacation? We have agreed to an amendment inside the “Western social contract” that if you keep your vices contained to appropriate places and they don’t seem to affect anyone otherwise, go nuts! When in Vegas, right? Remember, no one is a saint their entire life. For all you stuck in uber-conservative places without the ability to see past what you have been told…best of luck.

Also, involve other people! And no, I’m not just talking about sex, you pervs. Everything is always more fun when you involve other people who are also passionate about your activity. It can also help hold you accountable to make sure you’re being moderate. However, you need to recognize there aren’t heroin clubs for a reason. You will kill each other if you don’t hold each other accountable to make sure everyone around you isn’t going in too deep for too long. Remember, we all need you to show up most days sober, and energized to give us your good only. We’ll give you time and you can go do whatever you want to muddy your soul. But please, for the sake of all of us, take a shower and keep your toys and instruments and talk about your vice at home. Hang a picture in your office of you doing your thing! Be proud! If it isn’t appropriate to hang at work, maybe reconsider your vice? On the other hand, please don’t steal our time by rambling on about it.

If you’re an addict, like I was, you can never touch your thing ever again. Period. Done. Walk away from it. You need to deconstruct and know that thing intimately and then treat it like a dead camel's rotting, protruding anus covered in maggots. Walk away and keep walking.

Vices aren’t your addiction. They can’t be. First, they can never ever do any harm; to us, you, or anything else on this rock called Earth. Two, try like hell to make it good for us. Three, if you can’t make it good, do it quietly, out of view of us. Four, set a time to do it when you’re sober and set a time limit. Five, when time’s up, walk away with pride. If you break any of those rules, stop the activity immediately and try to find another that fits the bill. When you find one that you can’t pull yourself away from or you find yourself yearning for it when it’s not time to to play, stop reading this garbage and seek professional help.

Whew. Buzzkill, I know. So, what activities are allowable in your free time? Whatever you want. Seriously. You can do anything as long as it’s good. Go through the virtues and if your actions match, you’re literally good. But can booze, drugs, sex, gambling, or overconsumption be considered good? It’s debatable, but it’s more than plausible. Booze and overconsumption are difficult to justify, but have you seen Drunk History or watched a professional eating contest? It’s humanity on full display for our ravenous entertainment, but it’s still entertainment. And what about when Obama had the Beer Summit? Do you really think the Beatles could have written and recorded half their stuff sober? Thus, if you are training or practicing for an artistic performance, or inside your occupation or purpose, sure; maybe. But on the other hand, have you ever been in need of a creative muse or need a purpose readjustment. Have you microdosed? I have and it was beautiful and awesome. Cancer patients and people with chronic illness rave about marijuana. But don’t listen to me, experts say substances help people too. It’s kind of the entire basis of the pharmacy industry. Thus, substances can be plausibly good depending on the circumstances. Anything can be built around communities that allow you a healthy place to relax and interact with people from all walks of life. A group outing to a game or a parent and child bonding over cheering on a team are very worthwhile activities. But just like booze or drugs, moderation is key. Move on when the thing is over. That means leave and then stop thinking and talking about it. You’ve got other communities to worry about.

Have fun, but we are counting on you to show up sober tomorrow. Find ways to remind yourself we need you to come back. If you keep vices squarely contained to limited blocks of time, as safely as possible, you’ll be fine and we won’t miss you too much. But the key will always be moderation, which comes down to a very simple instruction: when it’s time to walk away, do so without hesitation and complaint. And don’t miss it. If you do, and it starts to consume you, you’ve become a slave to it. If you can’t fix it quickly, seek help.

Soon, after you master all these impossible concepts, you’ll begin to experience a crazy phenomenon of enjoying restraint. My vice of ice cream? It’s very healthy. But every time I limit myself to only a spoonful, I’m proud and happier than if I had gobbled down the whole thing. Barely, but it’s still a victory.