Partners

Partners are our closest connections to another human.

Nature aligned humans as social creatures. The proof is the overwhelming and unexplainable need for some level of interaction with other people on a daily basis; for most. Of course, I must invoke my 90% rule that promises 10% do not want that. For some, knowing others exist while not actually wanting to come in contact with any of them is all the human contact they need. For most of us, we carry around an inherent and insatiable need to always be around other people. Even though we don’t admit it, most of the time we like people in close-ish proximity to us, but not too damn close. There are few who don’t feel a rush of energy and excitement at the sight of a growing crowd of others, especially when it’s for mutually beneficial and good causes, celebrations, or conventions. Moving your body inside the tasks of this thing are always more fun, easier, tolerable, and sweeter with more people. And remember, besides time, being around and supporting other people is the quickest way to get over and past the worst obstacles and waterfalls. That said, we also need space from everyone quite often multiple times a day. Most of us get our daily dose of human interaction through close relationships with people in our communities. If any of them piss us off, we can retreat quickly or stay in the scene with ease if needed to defend their honor. We’ll always go silent when they’re upset and crying and trying to tell us their deepest secrets, while rarely demanding an apology for much. If they harm us, we’ll take it to them quickly, but usually apologize for having to interrupt their day to bring it up. When it comes to romantic partners though, all rules seem to go out the window.

At their core, romantic partnerships are nothing more than close relationships with the added element of vulnerable, physical interaction. Notice that sentence is lacking the word “intimate.” You can be quite intimate with a close friend or family; an embrace, a kiss on the cheek, a pat on the butt, wiping away a tear. But a friend is most likely not going to feel comfortable talking to you while brushing their teeth at the bathroom sink naked. Of course, then there’s the whole sex thing. You can certainly try the “friends with benefits” thing, but good luck. If unattached or multiple partners are your thing, you’re probably better off finding your form of happiness in the extremes civilization will mildly tolerate, but never allow. You all must recognize civilization can never condone multiple partners as a mainstream practice. For anyone who has a yearning for the likes of anything related to ethical non-monogamy, let’s chat. The rest of you, I’ll meet ya on the other side of this paragraph.

If you will agree that civilization requires social monogamy, I’ll admit there is evidence to suggest sexual non-monogamy is also an option. That is a true statement only because a simple internet search will yield sometimes surprising results about the quantity of communities welcoming all forms of non-monogamy, both ethical and very much not so. Thus, I have to admit it’s possible because it’s out there. But nowhere in that sentence are you going to find anything supporting or allowing any of it inside virtue. Non-monogamy is an option, sure, but it can never be virtuous inside any committed relationship unless the original agreement between all parties was based on non-monogamy. Just looking at that chaos of terms from a contractual point of view using my lawyer logic, I’m not sure that wouldn’t create a legal fallacy inside a void contract. Regardless, you cannot avoid the fact that a lot of humans cheat and quite a few like doing it so much they call it part of their personality. But let’s get real. Who you are intimate with is always a choice and never not subject to your personality unless it’s an addiction and we’ve already established this is not the thing for addicts. If you can’t say no to another person or activity or any vice, go seek help. Otherwise, who you are intimate with, even your partner, is always going to be subject to you restricting it just like the rest of us. Would the vast majority of people like to live in a fantasy world every now and then where they join a steamy hot tub full of single models on vacation with or without their partner? I can only speak for myself, but yes, please. Look, Osama bin Laden had porn. Can you imagine what all of the First Couples and their families and friends have done to desecrate the Lincoln Bedroom? Remember, even Gandhi, well known for his celibacy, only did it for a portion of his life, later gave it up before he died, and admitted to sleeping naked with 19 year-old women the year after his wife died when he was 60 years their elder. Was Gandhi a creep? No, he actually did that to test himself and he never touched the women. Weird and arguably, creepy, but he was not a creep. Even this tale has stood the test of time and I’m here to gleefully report Gandhi is still a great man. But he still failed in this and in other ways; and not just a few times. We all fail to restrain our urges and wants. If you don’t, what in the world are you doing reading this far into this book? Everyone has their thing and we expect you to have yours too. But recognize what is needed for healthy living and what is a vice. Some of you need to keep reminding yourself as if you keep forgetting on an hourly basis, but that’s okay. Go spend some time in time management and build those reminders into your day. I’m not kidding. I’ve admitted my infidelities to the world in the most honest way I could conjure up in the other book. It is not intended to sensationalize the story, but I know it does. I also know that if I’m going to remain on a good path, I needed to know people are looking at me, waiting, hoping, and sometimes encouraging me to fail. Please, keep it that way. I invite the challenge from everyone often. No person in this existence has, can, or will ever be able to base their life or a relationship on a vice. I know that because I’ve tried. If you are one of those types I’ve got some specific advice for you, but it’s not appropriate for this program. Come find me in a couple weeks at the Goodly Group.

The word “cheat” comes from the old French word eschete, which came from the Latin word excidere, which means to fall away. It’s a property law term for when the government or monarch takes property when no one else in the immediate family is around to take it. It was seen by most as unfair to “cheat” a family, even distant relatives, out of their property and so it became a derogatory term for the practice. Today, we see it inside relationships as a break of trust. Trust is a belief someone will do what they say. But don’t you see it all comes down to a problem of communication? They didn’t do what they said they were going to do or not do. What would happen if they did exactly what they wanted and told you before they did it? Would you still feel harmed if you knew they were genuinely being exactly who they were meant to be? No, you just wouldn’t be with them anymore. In that thinking, you can begin to bring yourself to accept people for who they are and not see their actions as harming you, but their own character. They need to do better, certainly, but the real question is are you willing to help them get better? The moment you don’t want to help your partner get better, let them know you’re moving on. It is simply evil not to do so. They deserve someone who will genuinely support their authentic self or help them find it.

Remember, your ultimate duty is to give us as many kids as you’re attracted to having and comfortable supporting. I’m terribly sorry if you want to argue that point, but I’m so confident you’ll come to that conclusion after conferring with experts that I’ll give you all your money back with interest if you think I’m scum for saying that. If you don’t want to or can’t have kids, good. We will try like heck to help you find all the good secondary purposes you want to chase, including being a parent if that’s still your aim. Just please don't use our resources when you get lonely.

Ultimately, the purpose of a partner is to make everyone’s life better, for kids, for you, your partner, and us. Not only is life richer with intimate love, but having your burdens lessened by someone who supports your goals and aims while allowing you to give and support theirs is the pinnacle of human interaction. But you don’t get it if you don't earn it. If you want someone to support your priorities, they’re going to need to feel connected and love all of you, your past, and your future. That means you have to be the very best version you can be, and you have to maintain a certain quality to your soul if you want people to stick around.

Up for a quick history lesson? I’ll try to keep it unboring.

Because of how society was founded and grew, male and female ideas of relationship hierarchy developed into the idea that women were men’s property and thus subject to their desires and whims. Marriage as a concept has nothing to do with love and everything to do with property rights. Welp, gents, it’s the 21st century and you’ve all been put on notice for a few generations now that equality is the name of the game from here on out for a bit, at least over here. I say a bit, because none of us know what the future holds for equality, and history has shown the concept to be quite fluid and dynamic. I say “here” because I’m not in North Korea, Iran, Russia, Australia, Canada, or Florida.

It has been my experience that romantic relationships are the hardest to understand because we aren’t supposed to be in them the way we are. Marriage is a modern concept based on property law. You may have heard stories that marriage originated so men could ensure their property was handed down to their legitimate heirs. That’s partly true. It’s actually because women are the property; a marriage was simply a receipt for goods obtained. Read that again with the understanding that the term and concept for what and how a marriage is supposed to be has nothing to do with love. When you look at it like that, it does make sense from a legal perspective, but from a human perspective it’s absurd! To conflate property and love? A union is about equality and support, nothing ever about property - real, personal, fantasy, or in between.

It is a very Stoic idea that you should be completely detached from your partner. Obviously, it is not an easy concept to grasp initially for most folks. All it takes is a recognition that your partner is their own person. They have their own ideas, inclinations, flavors, and priorities; they are their own human with their own life. You should feel immense gratitude when you are in their presence. Imagine they are rented from the universe and their return is a natural conclusion, be it now, next year, or through death or divorce. But you should never claim to be attached to anyone. If you do and they go away, won’t a piece of you go away too?

Love ends up being nothing more than acts you do for each other. Your motivation and whether you enjoy those acts determines whether you are “in love” with someone. If you enjoy doing something for someone, you are giving them acts of love. Just try to make sure it lessens their burden and doesn’t add to it. And when you are together, make sure your efforts are going to extract and support their good for us. If that means one partner is raising kids while the other is working, find a way to lessen the burdens of others in whatever ways you can. Not lessening a partner's burden is never an option. For those without kids, the good you give us needs to be the second priority next to your relationship. Are you giving them appropriate time to give us their good or are you trying to hog it all?

There are three entities in a partnership; you, them, and the relationship. When you are alone, be good. When they are alone, encourage and support their good. But when you two are in the same room together, both of your actions must also be good. That means when you are alone you should be giving your time to us. How screwed up is that? But here’s the thing, most of that time, for many, it means living as an example for your children and those around you.

If you don’t have children, are you paying attention to how the entity of your relationship is spending its time? Without kids, you better find someone to share it with. But here’s the craziest thing, it doesn’t have to be a person in the flesh. 21st Century relationships come in all shapes and sizes, but you could also have a relationship with absolutely no one. In fact, a Stoic would argue the best partner and intimate relationship you should have is with yourself. That’s all to say, I realize I just spent a lot of time talking about maintaining a partnership. If you don’t want one, good. But you better make sure you’re sharing your good with people so you can have small celebrations to sweeten the victories and someone there to soften the blows of life. When your audience gets down to you, life gets scary. Don’t let that happen.

For those of you dating, you need to look at your existence right now as if you are in a marketplace. If you’ve been there for a while and you’re not finding any suitors, you need to improve your product. That means working on you by increasing whatever areas of your life need improvement. I have been inside the dating marketplace at every age between the ages of 8 and 36 in varying degrees of attractiveness and mental stability. Since then, I have become an expert in divorce. Here’s a human law I’ve witnessed too many times: if you do everything you can to make yourself attractive, the marketplace will sort you out perfectly; and quickly.

But here’s the key, you have to be your best self. Of course, attractiveness has nothing to do with your kayak. Want to know the secret to being undesirably attractive. Believe it or not, the size, shininess, or ability of your brain has absolutely nothing to do with how attractive you are to other people. It’s all about how often and the manner in which you’re using that paddle, friend. Everyone else who are focused only on your kayak, get your poop in a group before you run out of people to serve. If you’re focused on making your kayak “pretty” in any way, no one is going to enjoy being served by you, except you. You get by this point that you won’t find happiness unless you’re serving people, right? If you’re serving your kayak more than it needs to stay afloat, you’re not going to have enough time to serve others. Remember back to when you found someone you loved serving, could you claim to hold any opinion negative about their kayak that wasn’t related to their ability to get that maintenance tape?

For those of you facing a break up, going through it, or coming out of it: check your objective. If it is to get far away, get away ASAFP and don’t ever look back. If it is to stay away, stay away for the sake of the worthless existence you left behind! If it is to move on at your pace, then get yourself good and ready. How do you know when you’re good and ready and able to date with the intention of finding a partner? You just answered your own question. You are ready to date when you are able and ready and willing and committed to pursuing a relationship; might I add that finding someone rooted in good rather than selfish desires might be the way to go next time. If you’re not any of those, be honest about it and don’t waste their time by dragging them along. Most importantly, seek only those with your flavor of virtue. If your flavor of virtue is derived from New England Irish Catholicism, you might not fit in well with backwoods Carolina Baptist moonshine virtue. Everyone’s virtue is the same, but the smells, sounds, and protocols you choose to show up for are much different in Islam than they are in Rastafarianism. If you’re in the market for virtue stripped of any protocols, ceremonies, flavors, or smells, give Stoicism a shot. Or my flavor of it, Stoic Hedonism.

It is crucially important in the equation of a healthy relationship that you are a good communicator. On the expressing side of things, you must be honest at all times and never omit. Judging those impressions requires you to first be an active listener. If you are not good at this skill, get good quickly. Being a good, active listener is an absolute requirement for you to be good at any relationship, interaction, or task in this book. That’s because if you’re best serving people, including yourself, you're being a good listener first.

Pay attention to what I just said. Get good overall by listening better.

Remember also, good isn’t successful. Good isn’t rich. Good is boring. Good is sometimes barely scraping by to pay bills or have free time. But good is the place where you’ll both feel your most authentic selves and exercise the best version of what your partnership is capable of.

You’ll be your best as a partner if you make it your daily chore to help your patterner express their good. Expect the same at your own peril.

If you don’t have a partner, do the work to get a good one who likes helping you. We need you to. So do you. So do they.